The Only Thing I Like About Being Alive

The Only Thing I Like About Being Alive


– It’s amazing how our attitude
on alcohol changes right? ‘Cause even as a teenager
you know it’s wrong. You’re like you know I don’t
like the taste of it but I wanna look cool and then
in your 20’s you’re like you know what, this kinda
gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex. Then in your 40’s you’re like,
you know what this is the only thing I like about being alive. (laughs) It’s only funny ’cause it’s true. I’m sure some of you gonna go
to some bars, head to a bar right? Yeah? I never feel comfortable
right when I get in a bar I’m always kinda like who
are all of these strangers? But after a couple beers I’m
like these guys are probably my best friends. (laughs) ‘Cause your experience in a
bar changes over the course of the night right? As the night goes on, you
see really why we go to bars. We go to bars so we can
behave like children. Toddlers really. You ever go to a bar at 2 a.m? You might as well picking
up a kid at nursery school. It’s the same experience. The behaviors the same in both places. Both places there’s always
some strange yelling for no reason at all. Woo woo woo! Both places you go in the
bathroom it’s obvious not everyone’s potty trained. (laughs) Both places there’s always someone crying. She was my best friend. But not anymore. Both places occasion there’s a fight. You know, he was standing
where I wanted to stand (laughs) so I punched him in the head. I need more juice. But at 2 a.m people are drunk in bars. I love how we’re always
surprised when someone’s drunk in a bar, we’re actually
shocked, we’re like (gasps) look at that guy, he’s wasted. In a bar. I came here to read a novel. Mostly the people that are
drunk in bars are drunk because they’re drinking shots and
really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one’s ever drank a shot
and then done something they’re proud of. I got wasted last night and
then I went out and built some low income housing. (laughs) That never happens. You always wake up the next
day and you’re like I need a new identity, maybe two of ’em. ‘Cause if you’re drinking
shots it’s either your birthday or you’re trying to
forget you were ever born. There is something honest
about a shot it’s like I wanna get right to the embarrassing
part of the night. Right to pants off. But we don’t even drink shots,
we take them like they’re medicine, this’ll cure my normal behavior. Everyone acts like we’re
in a western movie. Waw waw, waw waw waw. That’ll give me the courage
to confront this blade of nachos. Wow, wow waw. Strangers will buy you
a shot, you ever had the hey I don’t know you
let me buy you a shot. This never happens with anything else. Hey whaddya say you and me,
let’s do some appetizers. Jalapeno poppers. Mano a mano. You gotta turn that shot down
before they get it poured because once it’s poured they
act like you’re rejecting a sweater they crocheted you. You know how hard I worked on this? You didn’t at all. But I don’t mind the bars,
unless they’re really crowded you know like five or six
people deep at the bar, everyone’s competing for
the bartender’s attention. We look like we’re tryna
get disaster relief from The Red Cross like. (laughs) I need mine more than he needs his! I can never get the bartenders attention. I’m always like. You try and make eye contact. (laughs) Show him you have money. I have cash? But you can’t try too
hard in a crowd at a bar. You have to act cool like
I don’t even care if I get served, I just like standing in crowded, uncomfortable places. (laughs) Later on I’m gonna swing by
the airport, see what that TSA lines like. (laughs) I like the lines. Never enough bartenders in a crowded bar. ‘Cause bartenders look
like they’re in the middle of a triage unit. Get me 40 cc’s of somethin’! (laughs) never enough bartenders. You ever get faked out by
the arrival of a bar-back? You’re like finally another bart–, it’s a bar-back. And those poor bar-backs
they always act like they’re not qualified to serve
you like oh no no no no. I can carry 12 cases up a
narrow staircase but handing you a beer, not yet. I’m still learning from the master. ‘Cause in a crowded bar the
bartender is the master right? All the authority goes to that, some of ’em act like they’re
no even obligated to serve you they’re like oh I don’t
know what I’m gonna do with all this booze maybe
I’ll just pour it, I’ll make a puddle. (laughs) and we fall for it. We’re like wow dude either
deal with this guy or make it in our bathtub at home. Damn prohibition. (laughs)

34 thoughts on “The Only Thing I Like About Being Alive

  1. As a barback: Its not handing you a beer thats a problem. It s the guy next to you whos gon ask for 15 cocktails whose ingredients include every fruit known to man, a tiger's claw and a flower that only grows on Everest, whose names he doesnt even know or is too drunk to pronounce,

    and the lady next to him who wants to complaint that she s been waiting for 20 minutes and that her cocktail had rapsberries instead of strawberries,

    while 200 angry drunk people wait to get served.

    Fuck that, I m carrying my cases.

    Bartenders get paid enough and are drunk enough to deal with that shit.

    PLUS The whole place just ran out of vodka, and if I dont go to get some for each and every bartender in 20 seconds, the bartenders will be devoured by the thirsty Orcs

  2. Jim has a great style of comedy funny but doesn't have to say anything crude like Louis CK and I doubt Jim will ever be in a #MeToo scandal… Unless he sells his tickets without Ticket Master like Louie was doing🧐

  3. I saw Jim at Caroline's Comedy Club in NYC many years ago. At the time, I didn't know who he was. After seeing Jim's comedy routine that night, I have been a fan ever since and have purchased many of his comedy DVDs. "Hot Pockets."

  4. I once got drunk and woke up with a job, I drunk wrote a job resume to a place and got it. Then the first thing I see when they bring me into the back room are 2 bottles of half drank liquor, I knew I was home.

  5. Even though he's a clean comic, I bet if he did even a semi-dirty set, he'd kill with skill. His storytelling is impeccable, just a few F-bombs and crude premises would be extra icing on an already great cake! #Gaffigan2020

  6. That's why I'm an early drunk, happy hour-tip really, really big on the first drink, and I never have any trouble getting attention thereafter.

  7. I like drinking shots before I go to McDonald's…I thought this was a library?…well, since I'm here…I'll take a big Mac large fry and a tub of Coca-Cola.

  8. The only thing I liked about being alive
    . smoking pot and playing video games but because of the evil people on follow me everywhere I have had to stop all of that
    so I just suffer and ate mostly every second that I am awake…..
    .
    Struggling very much recently

  9. this guy's definitely hiding a lot in his closet.. who thinks this guy's funny?!
    i bet he smells of piss and biscuits like most people of his frame.

  10. The only time I consumed shots like that was while my grandmother was in hospice, and though it did end in falling down and other drunken behaviours, turns out my grandma could really party back in the day to the point of needing my granddad to bring her home in a wheelbarrow one Xmas. So it was a fitting sendoff. Love you Grandma.

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