Kevin Spacey’s Correspondents’ Dinner Spoof – “House of Nerds”

Ed Henry: We can’t have you stockpiling
all these tickets, deciding where everyone gets to sit. I really need you to release some of these
tables. Frank Underwood: Well you know my motto, Ed,
you scratch my back I won’t lacerate yours. Henry: I have integrity, sir. I’m not gonna cut a deal. Underwood: I’ve seen your work, Ed, let’s
not kid ourselves. This is the part where you leave. [Henry leaves] Valerie Jarrett: What on earth happened, Frank? You know I was supposed to sit next to Conan. Underwood: Well it’s for the greater good,
Valerie. Jarrett: Greater good? Please don’t tell me that it has anything
to do with North Korea, same sex marriage, cabinet app— Underwood: No, no… Jarrett: I’m not done, Frank. Underwood: Oh alright, go ahead. Jarrett: Taxes, gun control, the Middle East,
cyber-warfare, the fiscal cliff, pipelines, education, social security, Iraq, Afghanistan— Underwood: Look, Valerie, it is not going
to happen. Jarrett: Well then I’m curious. If not me, then who? John McCain: He’s the one that got fired
from The Tonight Show, right? Underwood: Yes, and then he moved over to
TBS. McCain: Is that a real network? Underwood: No, but neither is NBC. McCain: Can’t we do better than Conan? Like, Jimmy Kimmel? We’re trying to rebrand, appeal to the youngsters— Underwood: Look, I’m sorry but Conan is
the best we can do. McCain: Fine, as long as you don’t put Pelosi
at my table, she keeps trying to friend me on Facebook. [whistles] Politico editor #1: Congressman, we don’t
focus on the masses, we focus exclusively on an elite audience. That said, we’d like Kim Kardashian at our
table. Underwood: Then I need Mike to start wearing
pants to the White House briefings. Politico editor #2: I refuse to wear pants
until the President gives us more access. Underwood: Just do as I say and Politico gets
a Kardashian. Oh and Mike, what is your home address? #2: Uh, why do you ask? Underwood: Well to send you the tickets, of
course. #2: Send ‘em to the office. #1: Nobody knows where he lives, congressman,
we mail his paychecks to a PO box. Underwood: Oh, Mike, there’s no reason to
be nervous, put your home add— [#2 hangs up phone] Underwood: Is Valerie badmouthing me to the
President? Jay Carney: [Shakes magic 8-ball] Reply hazy. Underwood: Is she out for revenge? Carney: Ask again later. Underwood: Look, I need you— Carney: Look Frank, you want to talk about
immigration, we can talk about immigration, we can talk about the budget, I’ll even
talk to you about Jay-Z and Beyonce in Cuba, but there are two things I don’t talk about:
covert operations and Valerie’s magical powers. Kevin McCarthy: Steny is my best friend. Underwood: So what’s the problem, you two
play basketball every Tuesday. Steny Hoyer: Nerfball, Frank, Nerfball! McCarthy: But we don’t want the rest of
the world to know that. Underwood: Well Steny, I’m willing to break
you two up if you can get me tickets to a Raven’s game. Hoyer: Are you kidding’ me, I’m all out,
Frank, how do you think I got elected whip? McCarthy: How ‘bout Taylor Swift at the
Verizon Center, backstage passes? Underwood: Oh now, you’re hitting me where
I live. Thank you gentlemen, you are the coolest whips
in town, you better believe it. [Knocks action figures off desk with phone
receiver] Hoyer: You have to introduce me to Ted Sarandos
at the dinner, I can’t get my fu**ing Netflix to work. Major Garrett: I have three sources at the
West Wing saying Valerie is on the warpath. Underwood: You might think that, I couldn’t
possibly comment. Garrett: Is it true you’ve been hoarding
tickets to the dinner? Underwood: Where are you getting that? Garrett: Ed Henry Underwood: Oh, you mean Mr. Ed-tegrity. Garrett: I’ve got to go, that’s Jeff Zucker
on the other line. Reporter: How about this, you tweet it and
I’ll retweet it? Underwood: Alright [types and sends tweet] Reporter: Done, I thought you wanted the immigration
bill to pass though? Underwood: I did, but that stingy Hoyer wouldn’t
give me Ravens tickets. Reporter: Gotta go. [To woman] Refill? Woman: To the top. Ben, this is so much cooler than the Correspondent’s
Dinner. Reporter: A colonoscopy would be cooler than
that dinner. Underwood: You can’t run for mayor again,
Mike, that’ll put Anthony Weiner in a pickle and then he’ll tweet that pickle. Michael Bloomberg: Well, what do you suggest? Underwood: President of the Correspondent’s
Association. Bloomberg: Doesn’t that position only last
for a year? Underwood: Well since when did term limits
ever stop you? And you should know, Mike, Ed drinks Big Gulps. Bloomberg: Ed Henry, Kevin, I want him out. Aid: I’ll make some calls. Charlie Rose: Is that Frank on the phone? Frank, it’s Charlie Rose. Tell me this, why did you cancel last week? Underwood: Margarett Thatcher died, I was
in mourning. Rose: Ok, how about next week? Underwood: Well I’m already booked on the
Today Show, but Doug will be in touch. Ed Henry: If I at least play ball will you
get Bloomberg off my back? Underwood: Only if you give me your absolute,
unquestioned loyalty. Henry: That’s a pretty big ask. Underwood: 42 seconds during the dinner to
say whatever I want. Henry: Take 45 Underwood: Washington and Hollywood. Some new faces, some old faces, some new faces
on old faces. And I do sympathize, Conan, and not just for
that backstabbing Leno, but having to host. It must be so hard having to write jokes about
a town that already is one. Democrats, Republicans, the White House, Congress,
you all came together to make this spoof. That’s what real bipartisanship looks like. I may lie, cheat, and intimidate to get what
I want, but at least I get the job done, so I hope some of you were taking notes. Well have a wonderful evening and I’ll see
all of you at the Bloomberg-Vanity Fair party, that is, those of you who got an invite. Oh, and Mr. President, welcome to Nerd Prom. [Applause]

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