Joe Rogan – Hotel Fire – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Joe Rogan – Hotel Fire – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


Mr. Joe Rogan,
everybody. Let him hear it. So I’ve done a lot of traveling
doing stand-up comedy, and one of the weird things
about traveling is, sometimes you have to stay
in hotels, most of the time,
all the time. Forget what I said earlier. All the time. And most of the time,
it’s uneventful, but I was in a hotel fire once, and it’s something
you never think about, you hear about occasionally
on the news, but when it happens,
it’s a real freak out. It was in the middle
of the night. We’d gone to bed at about 2:00
in the morning, and about 4:30,
and I hear… [imitates alarm blaring] I jump up,
and I grabbed the alarm clock, and I–what button
do I have to push to stop this? [imitates alarm blaring] I’m thinking, “I’m gonna wake up
every [bleep]ing person “in this hotel. I can’t believe how loud
I have this.” I mean,
it didn’t make any sense. I’m delirious.
I don’t know what’s going on. I’m in that weird dream state,
and I hear, “Attention, a fire has been
detected in the building. “Please evacuate immediately. “Do not use the elevators. Take the stairs.” I don’t even know
if this is real. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know if it’s
a recording. I don’t know what’s going on. But then the guy keeps the mic
keyed open, and you hear a woman
in the background going, “We’ve got to get these
[bleep]ing people out of here.” [laughter] And I’m in my underwear,
so I’m like, “Okay, what do I need? I need clothes,
my laptop.” I grab my shit,
and I’m thinking– I’m on the 15th floor,
all right? It’s an old-ass hotel. We’re in the Clift Hotel
in San Francisco. It’s Joey Diaz, Tom Segura
and me, okay? I don’t know what room
they’re in, but, you know, I know we’re all on
the same floor somewhere, so I’m looking for them,
and it’s a real mind [bleep]. I’m on the 15th floor. I’m like, “15 flights of stairs.
How long does that take?” ♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪ I’m going through it in my head.
How fast can I run? I didn’t think about the other
people in the [bleep]ing hotel. There is a river
of sleepy travelers that I hit when I open my door. I’m like, “Oh, no, you [bleep]. “You mother[bleep]
aren’t urgent. There’s not urgency
in your movement.” There’s a thin veil
of civilization that goes on when you’re in a real
natural emergency, because it’s a [bleep]ing
freak out. We get to the stairwell. San Francisco is an old city, and they have these
really old hotels that were designed
when people were tiny. They didn’t get any food. They were these little,
tiny people. So I’m not a big guy,
but I get into this stairwell, and I’m like,
“This is [bleep]ing ridiculous.” And it’s one of those things
that they don’t do anymore, where you can see
the whole way down. So as you’re going down, you could see everybody
below you, and they’re looking up, and it’s this [bleep]ing river
of people, and no one’s going fast. And then I start realizing
that a lot of these [bleep]ing people look like
they’re sleepwalking. [laughter] And then I start thinking
about Ambien, because if you don’t know, 39 million Americans
take sleeping pills on a nightly basis,
okay? And I never thought about that
until I had to deal with it. Most of the time, I go, “Oh,
well, you need to go to sleep. Whatever.
I don’t give a [bleep].” But you do give a [bleep] when
you’re in a [bleep]ing hotel, and all of sudden,
everyone is sleepwalking. If you’ve never experienced
this before, people who are on Ambien, they just do shit
while they’re sleeping, and they don’t know
they did it. You can just wake them up
and push them, and they just keep going
and figure out what to do. It’s a very strange thing. I have a friend who takes it
every night. He can’t not take it,
but he needs sleep so badly that he’s willing to, like,
forget that he did shit. He made a [bleep]ing turkey. [laughter] Okay? This is not enough to get him
to quit doing Ambien. He got up in the middle
of the night, decided he was making a turkey,
went downstairs, preheated the oven,
drove to the supermarket, bought a turkey, came home,
stuffed it, made mashed potatoes
and gravy, cooked it, ate it,
went to sleep, got up,
and called the police. [laughter] He goes, “Someone broke into
my house and made a turkey.” They’re like,
“Do you take Ambien?” “Yes,
but that’s not the point.” No,
it’s a [bleep]ing terrible drug. It’s a weird thing. Taking sleeping pills
is a dangerous thing. So I’m in this hotel where you’re entering
into the stairwell. Just this funnel
of [bleep]ing people, and some of them
were in slippers, and some of them
were in bathrobes, and everybody is [bleep]ing
walking really slow. And we hit the stairwell,
and we start going, and I see the smoke. As you’re looking down,
you’re seeing smoke. It’s, like,
maybe ten floors down, like, maybe second, third floor,
and I’m like, “[bleep]. “Where is this fire? “What if I [bleep]ing see fire? What do I do if I see fire?” You don’t want to be
the first guy to freak out, but you don’t want to be the
last guy to freak out either. So there’s that thing like,
“When go time is there, you’ve got to be ready
for go time.” Nobody else is ready
for go time. People start [bleep]ing
waking up on the stairs. You could see them in the middle
of the stairway just going, “What are we doing?
What are we…” Waking up in the middle
of walking down the stairs in [bleep]ing fire in a hotel. And this guy, he goes,
“What’s going on?” The wife goes,
“We’re in a hotel fire.” He goes,
“A hotel? Why are we in a hotel?” [laughter] These people are just walking
down the stairs waking up as their going, and you could tell the real
old-school Ambien junkies, ’cause they’re used to waking up
in the middle of doing shit. And this one guy,
he grips the railing, looks around,
and just keeps going. [laughter] You can tell. He’s like,
“Okay, we’re doing this. This is what we’re doing.” So we’re walking down
the stairway, and I’m really starting
to panic, ’cause I’m, like, everybody could move
a lot faster. And there’s a space
between their head and the stairway above,
and I’m like, “If I could just get in
that space, I can make some
[bleep]ing progress.” But you don’t want to be
the first guy to step on people’s head,
so I’m like, “Okay, keep it together. Keep it together;
keep it together, 15 floors.” I have kids, okay? I’m starting to [bleep]ing
really freak out. And then one guy decides
to stop the line. He grabs the rail,
and he goes, “Do we even know
where we’re going?” And you see everyone
just sort of just rise up behind this guy,
and everyone’s thinking just murderous,
chimpanzee thoughts. It’s just the deep,
primal part of your brain that wants to survive. And that was the guy
that I focused on for the whole rest of the time
we came down the stairs, ’cause I said,
“That’s my guy. The moment I see fire, I’m gonna punch through
that dude’s asshole, pull out his skeletal system, and wear him as a fire suit
to run to safety. That’s my plan. I’m like, “I am not
[bleep]ing burning to death ’cause I’m in a hotel
with a bunch of sleepy bitches.” And I’m also thinking
the whole time, “How the [bleep] is Joey Diaz
getting in this staircase?” That’s part of what
I’m thinking. So, you know, I love my friend,
so I get outside, and I’m looking for Joey. We get outside. It turns out
it wasn’t really a fire. It turns out it was a bunch
of drunk assholes who just set off
the fire extinguisher, which is really good
that nobody freaked out, ’cause the last thing is– you want to be outside
when they go, “There was no real fire,” while you’re wearing
a dude’s skin. [laughter] And you’re like,
“I’m such a dick. I’m really sorry
about all this.” Right when they said
there’s no fire, everybody goes,
“Where’s Joey? Where’s Joey?” Joey Diaz comes around
the corner, and he’s holding a joint. And I go,
“How did you get outside?” He goes, “I took the elevator,
like a doctor.” [laughter] Thank you very much.
You guys have been awesome.

100 thoughts on “Joe Rogan – Hotel Fire – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. Get ready to cringe – watch comedians’ most insane fails from This Is Not Happening here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5oxn193dgOORoqNx9pE7wSl

  2. Joe ,Uh Ambian does not do everyone that way , and I for one know it's an awesome drug. Had it not been for Ambian, I often think that I might not be around anymore.

  3. my homegirl hallucinated 3 men in easter bunny suits trying to break in; the cops immediately asked if it was Ambien. someone needs to do something about this lol

  4. Joe Rogan's so cool you only have to skip a minute into the video instead of a full two minutes to get past these absolutely cancerous intros

  5. Who showed joe rogan how to wear a shirt? I’ve heard him say some of the most intellectual stuff in my life but he can’t use buttons with his huge ape hands

  6. Joe is one of the best podcast host i have ever seen or heard, but for some reason, his comedy just doesn't work for me. IDK why, but for some reason, he just sounds like he is trying too hard. Same goes for Brendan Shaub too. Joey Diaz however, is hilarious.

  7. Let's all pray that Schaubs goofy ass pulls a Paul Walker in his car! That's the only comedy I want to see from him! Or hopefully he offs himself like Brody Stevens! 🙏

  8. Ok so its mid day this past July, i live on the 11th floor (theres 15 floors total) , Just smoked a joint and watching tv and getting zoned out, anyways, fire alarm goes off….im like ok this is a drill….i wait 2 more minutes and then say to my self “what if” , anyways, before i open my door and head out i look through the peep hole of my door, i see panic. I tell myself ok…. just grab my phone cigs and the rest of my weed and start going down the fire stairs…..dudes !! I freaking froze half way down thinking im imagining all this and looked behind me and i was oh fuck this is go time …… best high of my life.

  9. Good guy , average podcast, terrible stand up comedian. He tries too hard to be like Joey Diaz , and it just doesn't work for him , I can honestly say this set , didn't raise so much as a smile from me , it was actually quite hard to watch …..

  10. Why do people shit on joe rogan so much? I find it hard to believe all these people dislike purely on his comedy, and not some other reason. While it's obviously just my opinion, I think he a great comic. His jokes are usually well thought out, worded, timed, etc

  11. He's not joking about Ambien. That shit is amazing. I cleaned house top to bottom, redecorated, sketched, wrote and did nice little things in my sleep on that stuff. Got put on it for a couple of weeks after my Nonna died…always woke up to nice surprises and didn't remember a thing.

  12. This is not remotely funny joe should give it up and focus on hi podcasts they are great, this is painful to watch yet he believes he’s some top rate comic

  13. Joe is a man that can be the most funny between friends, but has a comedians is is not funny. People that are laughing feels like a forceful laughing.

  14. Fuck ambien, used to have to put my roommate to bed every-night after he would take ambien and drink ONE 40 oz beer. He would shit and piss his pants, EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!

  15. So true about Ambien. Not sure how that stuff is legal.

    I'm a pretty regular guy with a pretty regular response to prescription drugs. Never had a problem. Took Ambien for three months once. Was found by my roommates reorganizing the pantry while asleep. Was again found by roommates on the ground outside the house at 3:00am on my back, throwing up. And had a seizure for the first and only time while donating blood. The needle broke off in my arm. I have zero recollection of any of these incidents, and I only know about them because people who witnessed them told me about them. Never took it again after that. Never will again. There's plenty of prescription sleep aids that work, but this one is dangerous.

  16. I'm a big fan of joe I have listed to many many hours of his podcast but I can't stand his stand up I just can't take him seriously as a comic.

  17. Someone needs to jam Rogan up the same way he did brandan about fighting. Thank god he has the world's best postcast because he is seriously NOT funny.

  18. 😂 take a sleeping pill and don’t go to sleep it’s amazing you forgot how to open a door with a chain on on it I did a lot of shyt that didn’t makes sense either

  19. He is not a comedian. Zero talent. Just terrible. I'm sure they pay people to laugh there as they are laughing for anything he says, pay attention.

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